Losing my job was a gift to my kids
Tags: children, job loss, laid off, layoff, telling children about getting laidoff, unemployed
When I was laid off, my children knew right away. I’m not good at hiding things and I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve too much for my own good. Plus, my kids are big. Like young-adult big.
So when I lost my job, I felt a deep sense of shame in telling them the news. I felt like I had failed them. I wasn’t the parent they could be proud of. No child boasts about a parent who spends their days at home in sweat pants, on the phone and net in between reruns of Law and Order or the latest episode of Ellen. I was an outcast, no longer wanted by the working world.
I knew it wasn’t rational. But often what our heads know and our hearts feel are miles apart.
As a parent, you feel your role is to have all the answers. We’re supposed to be strong, omnipotent, heal all hurts and provide all the opportunities. But in a society in which our value is so tied up in our work, when that world gives us our walking papers we feel our value to all, including our children, crashes to earth at the speed of light.
It’s hard to know what my children really thought when they learned I’d lost my job. They said the right, reassuring things.
My eldest said, “Shit, that sucks Mom. But you know you’ll be fine.”
My middle son said, “Hey Mom, you always land on your feet.”
I’ve been a single mom for a lot of my children’s growing up, so it’s not surprising that my two eldest, two boys in their early 20s, were quick to reassure. When moms parent on their own, boys can tend to assume a bit of a protective stance as they get older.
But I really didn’t know if this was all manufactured reassurance, them doing what they thought was right, while perhaps inside they were feeling fear, worry and, perhaps even worse, disappointment or even embarrassment. Things they wouldn’t dare share.
I had a clearer sense when my youngest, my daughter, learned the news. Now in her first year of university, she, too, wears her heart on her sleeve and often her reactions are not guided by a sense of how she should behave but simply what she feels and thinks in any given moment.
When she heard the news she simply blurted out, “What the f**k Mom? That’s terrible!”
Out of the mouths of babes and a 20-year-old.
Since then, they’ve watched as I’ve managed the phases of joblessness and uncertainty. From shell-shocked to panic to resignation to determination. And not always in a straight line.
I’ve always been honest with my children, even when life gets messy or complicated. I’ve tried to find the balance between sharing enough information without burdening or scaring them with too much.
I’ve always tried to respect my children as individuals, separate from me. I’ve tried to recognize that they are not simply extensions of my own existence on this planet, but they are complete beings in their own right.
And this week I couldn’t have gotten a better affirmation that I’ve done an okay job of it all.
It came in the form of an email from my daughter. She’d written me to share something. The email came at 12:44 a.m., still early by her nocturnal clock.
She had just finished speaking with a friend whose parents were planning to sell their house after her friend’s mother lost her job. And apparently she had told her friend about my blog, thinking her friend’s mom may like to read it.
Now, my children all know I’ve been writing this blog since last November, but it’s certainly not high on their reading lists. But this latest piece of news about a friend of hers prompted my daughter to go online and read some of her own mom’s musings.
She came across a post I wrote about three weeks ago titled “Beyond Compare: How I stopped comparing myself to others and began feeling happy right where I was”.
And in her email, she wrote:
“I read the whole thing and I just wanted to say I’m so happy for you. Obviously I know you’ve been going through a lot of changes recently, but I was not aware of the depth of the change in the way you’ve been thinking about these things, and I think it’s really fucking awesome you’ve been able to let a lot of that weight go, that comes with the constant worry of self or others’ approval. Who the fuck cares what they think?”
“So that’s all, I’m really happy you have a job that means a lot more to you now, regardless of if the pay is lower, because that is what is important! And I was just happy to read that. Go mum!”
As I read her words, my eyes instantly teared up. I felt a sense of love and acceptance. I felt that my child saw me for who I was, not simply as her parent.
And I saw something else. I saw that although I’ve been through a lot, her seeing me go through this wasn’t an awful thing, but actually, in some ways, it was a gift.
Without doubt, life’s going to give my children their own reversals of fortune and emotional upheavals. Who better to provide a great example of working through them to the other side?
And there’s one more thing I saw: what makes a child proud of a parent may not always be what you think.
Tags: children, job loss, laid off, layoff, telling children about getting laidoff, unemployed
Tina said:
Apr 25, 09 at 12:51 pmThat was beautiful and just about brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.
Karol said:
Apr 25, 09 at 3:42 pmBeautiffully writen. sometimes, I wonder the same thing but my children know me and they respect that I am trying. Sometimes, it is hard for a parent not to wonder what a child thinks. Your daughter loves you and she now she sees for the person you are, who you have become and the example you are leaving them by handling everything. As parents, we try and do what is best for our children, and then they grow and sometimes life’s lessons hit them or us. Setting an example of how we deal with things, hardships, etc. leaves an impact. Sometimes, we are amazed just how grownup our children have become. Be the proud parent you are. You now know that they admire you and are proud of you.
PW said:
Apr 25, 09 at 5:27 pmHi FFN - see you’ve done a pretty good job. Your daughter is very proud of you. I can’t imagine how difficult it can be sometimes having to balance the responsibilites that come along with being a single parent with the need to “set the example” and be the role model or standard for your children. It’s probably one of the reasons why I have dogs. So it’s a pretty good reflection of what you have been able to accomplish. I’m glad that you’re a happier more contented person too.
MKS said:
Apr 26, 09 at 12:24 pmSounds like you are about the same age as I am. Did you experience any age discrimination trying to find a job? I’m just starting to look for a job, and I think this might become a problem. Can you write an article about this issue, esp. for those of us in creative, technology-driven fields who are older and trying to compete?
ffn said:
Apr 26, 09 at 3:14 pmMKS — yeah, this is a really loaded topic, as in loaded with tons of content, anxiety and fear. I did do a post on this a while back: http://www.firedfornow.com/tips-advice-and-how-tos/baby-boomers-pounding-the-pavement/
But I’m happy to revisit it. I’m in an industry that is very young (advertising) and I’m actually working with people the same age as my eldest. And that can feel pretty strange sometimes. I never had anyone explicitly reference my age when I was job searching, so I can’t say for sure if I was on the receiving end of discrimination. And I was fortunate that I didn’t have a long, protracted search. All that said, I still worry about my age a fair bit, but I’ve had to find a way to push it aside. Thanks for the suggestion about writing a post about this — I’m glad to give some more space to this and hopefully it will produce some comments from others facing the challenge.
Erik said:
Apr 26, 09 at 3:23 pmFFN- I can imagine how choked up you must have been when reading those words from your daughter. I nearly lost it myself just in your retelling.
My kids are too young to get it. (Son just turned 5 and daughter is 3). All they know is that I’m around a lot more now, and that suits them just fine.
Thanks for sharing such a lovely story with us.
Erik
dbvanhorn said:
Apr 26, 09 at 8:17 pmHey Debra….
Good job… good topic…. lol
Truby said:
May 03, 09 at 5:07 pmYou are so right about your closing statement. You should hold your head up high and full speed ahead. Kids are smarter than we think but the bad language got to go. Your story was very touching.
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May 21, 09 at 9:55 amWe so often are taken away by how we NEED to provode for our children, we have to be there to take care of everything they need, and have the money to do it all. We lose sight of the fact that they only need us to love them and be there for them, and that is enough! great story!
Kids stories said:
Jun 04, 09 at 6:19 amThank you for sharing this with us all, it was very touching indeed. I agree with the post above, children need our love more than anything and knowing they love us back is the best feeling in the world.
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Jun 08, 09 at 4:42 pmGreat story. It’s funny how often we feel our kids really aren’t paying attention to what we are trying to teach them. Then suddenly, they surprise us and we learn that they are listening. Sounds like you have some great kids and have taught them well. Best of luck to your family.
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Jun 13, 09 at 10:33 pmGreat post! You are an amazing parent. I am sure that your children are proud of you.
Austin Texas bankruptcy lawyer said:
Jun 17, 09 at 11:02 amChildren always surprise you. You think they don’t hear what you are saying, but then that all changes one day when in need. good luck to you
jawatan kosong said:
Jun 19, 09 at 3:02 amIts really touch my heart… Your kids seem really understand and love you very much. They understand your condition and still support you in such a way. I really admire you. You definetily has succeed growing your kids so well.
Please don’t give up, i am sure you can get better job again.
Regards,
Terramundi said:
Jun 20, 09 at 10:17 amLife is full of ups and downs, but that’s what adult life is all about. Probably the best gift you can give your kids is true insight into life ahead. True happiness can’t be determined by the size of your bank balance - it’s living a fulfilling life that counts.
True Weight Loss Tips said:
Jun 26, 09 at 9:44 amA good read there. Although I’m not a parent myself, I do have a niece who blows my mind sometimes with how she thinks and understands people (she’s 6).
Good luck in your new venture as I am sure you will work hard and keep going.
babysitting jobs said:
Jun 27, 09 at 10:12 pmIt’s amazing isn’t it? Though we try as parents to impart wisdom and provide direction for our children, it’s often our children who end up teaching us what love really is and what’s truly important in life.
100 Motivational Blog Posts for the Unemployed | Psychology Degrees said:
Jul 08, 09 at 10:17 pm[...] Losing my job was a gift to my kids. This mom has older kids and her job loss helped her recognize how it was a gift to her children as they watched her handle it. [...]
child custody lawyers in la said:
Jul 13, 09 at 10:01 amI can imagine how hard it must be to tell your child you have been fired. Children can be sympathetic as well and could be your biggest motivator to help you support your child. Good luck to you and thank you for sharing your story.
Chris said:
Jul 15, 09 at 5:28 pmThanks for sharing your story. I work for myself, and recently had to take several weeks off to care for an elderly parent in another state. So, my clientele is down and I’m scrambling. But like you I know it will get better. You have great kids.
b2c said:
Jul 15, 09 at 11:27 pmThanks for sharing your story. I love u blog.
Stop sweating said:
Jul 16, 09 at 10:54 amI think your children are lucky. You spend a lot of time with them and it makes you a good father. When I was a child my dad was working a lot and had no time to spend with me.
fatloss4idiots said:
Jul 19, 09 at 10:23 amHey, if you can make your child proud of you then you have achieved your ‘job’ as a parent. This was a lovely read, thanks for sharing.
Kigose said:
Jul 21, 09 at 3:17 amThis is really a great story. I wonder how you teach your kids when they were still babies. They are really supporting.
Oleg said:
Jul 26, 09 at 1:07 amThat is amaizing storry, but lot of people around the globe have the same. People start realizing what is the biggest value they HAVE, not LOOSE. Children, that what the grat gift we get from God.
Oleg
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raleigh divorce attorneys said:
Jul 29, 09 at 1:13 amIt’s a great move. I’m sure your kids are very proud of you! Great site!
Healthcare Professional said:
Aug 09, 09 at 8:46 pmYES!!! Fantastic story, family is everything. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget what is really important and that is the fam. Your kids will really appreciate and so will you I am sure.
drake said:
Aug 16, 09 at 10:01 amLeast it worked out, great to here.
Andrew Croft said:
Aug 17, 09 at 8:31 amSometimes I think, what if my kids read my blog? Would they know me a little better?
I think kids know you better than you think they do, they can be quite intuative, but there are certain things they just dont know, or dont want to know until it is right there infront of them in black and white. I think your kids clearly knew you would be ok, and clearly know you, reading the blog has confirmed perhaps what they thought anyway
Send Flowers Today said:
Aug 30, 09 at 10:54 amI know this was from your heart, thank you for sharing this.
Kids are smarter and more intuitive than we think they are.
However, as they get older and wiser they understand what we as parents sacrifice for them.
The Historia said:
Sep 14, 09 at 1:21 pmThe power of children is something truly amazing and I can’t wait to see my kids at that age sometime.
Keegan said:
Sep 17, 09 at 5:27 pmYou obviously love your children very much. It sounds like a wonderful life. I’m so glad you’re sticking it out so well.
underarm sweat said:
Sep 22, 09 at 11:04 amI have two kids. Sometimes it’s very hard to spent time with them. I’m travelling a lot. But your article made me think about it. The time when they are youg is over very fast…
stop sweating said:
Sep 29, 09 at 10:29 pmYou kids are really lucky! I never had a father figure close by me and my mother had all my responsibilities!
stop excessive sweating said:
Oct 08, 09 at 5:02 amI am sure that your experience can help me develop a better life with my kids and family…thank you!
Self Hypnosis said:
Oct 10, 09 at 9:11 pmWe all can learn many things from our children. Kids are our most valuable natural resource.
Billig Fliegen said:
Oct 16, 09 at 7:46 pmIt is nice to get a little inside your live and it is wonderful if you can count on your children. I have a 2 year old son and I count already on him
Trucking Jobs said:
Oct 28, 09 at 3:21 pmThat must be nice knowing you have supportive kids when life’s uphill battles arise. Do you have a job now?
-Jack
Buy UGG Boots said:
Oct 31, 09 at 10:08 pmThank you for sharing this with us all, it was very touching indeed. I agree with the post above, children need our love more than anything and knowing they love us back is the best feeling in the world.
Free CNA Training said:
Nov 06, 09 at 3:43 pmGreat story. It’s funny how often we feel our kids really aren’t paying attention to what we are trying to teach them. Then suddenly, they surprise us and we learn that they are listening. Sounds like you have some great kids and have taught them well. Best of luck to your family.
Chris said:
Nov 22, 09 at 5:44 pmNice post. I felt for you and your kids. Hope you’re raking it in now.
term forex said:
Dec 07, 09 at 5:02 amThat is amaizing storry, but lot of people around the globe have the same. We all can learn many things from our children. Kids are our most valuable natural resource
dofolow said:
Dec 07, 09 at 5:04 amYES!!! Fantastic story, family is everything. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget what is really important and that is the family
Keep post karen
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Dec 07, 09 at 5:18 amThis is really a great story. I wonder how you teach your kids when they were still babies. They are really supporting.
Cellulean said:
Dec 12, 09 at 6:50 pmI am sorry about you losing your job. But on the good side you got to spend some time with your kids and I think that is very important. Don’t have any yet but I didn’t really had a father figure in my life.
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Dec 14, 09 at 8:32 pmwhat makes a child proud of a parent may not always be what you think. That is hundred percent true！
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Dec 14, 09 at 8:35 pmI saw that although I’ve been through a lot, her seeing me go through this wasn’t an awful thing, but actually, in some ways, it was a gift. I had the same feeling.
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Dec 19, 09 at 7:35 amNice post. I felt for you and your kids. Hope you’re raking it in now.
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Dec 25, 09 at 8:13 amgreat story
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Feb 14, 10 at 6:26 amThis is a really touching story. I dont have any kids of my own (cant even look after myself…), but one day perhaps.
NADA said:
Mar 06, 10 at 10:32 pmsomething we should have new vision to anything happenned in out life. including lose a job
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Apr 19, 10 at 11:14 pmNice post. I felt for you and your kids. Hope you’re raking it in now.
fence posts said:
May 02, 10 at 9:39 pmYou are so right about your closing statement. You should hold your head up high and full speed ahead. Kids are smarter than we think but the bad language got to go. Your story was very touching.
Peyton Rivera said:
May 12, 10 at 5:27 amI really love sending flowers to my loved ones. I specially like sending Tulips and Roses.”:.
Panic Attacks said:
May 15, 10 at 1:41 pmIt’s funny that as adults, we try to teach our children about life, yet unknowingly our children teach us what life is all about.
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May 27, 10 at 1:02 pmthey did the exchange before they did anything else
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Jun 03, 10 at 1:04 amgood parent and great story for sharing. dont be sad loosing your job to give it to your kids
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Jun 21, 10 at 5:06 amReally much more important to please your children than to bring home some more money in, their joy far more important.
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Jul 03, 10 at 6:40 pmNice story
but we must go on !!!!!!!
San Diego Movers said:
Jul 07, 10 at 8:29 pmAll that said, I still worry about my age a fair bit, but I’ve had to find a way to push it aside. Thanks for the suggestion about writing a post about this — I’m glad to give some more space to this and hopefully it will produce some comments from others facing the challenge
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Jul 10, 10 at 11:24 amI think our children are wonderful gifts from God.