I may have worked for you but that doesn’t make us friends.
I was recently contacted by a reader with a great writing style eager to share her own musings on job loss.
Her post below hits on a topic I think a lot of us will identify with — why you may not want to be best friends with the people you used to work for.
Like me, she’s leery of using her real name for fear of burning bridges in the working world. So from here on, let her be known as DWF.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
It’s not you. It’s me.
by DWF
Hi. I used to work for your company. Maybe you’re not the one who started the company, but you’re one of the folks in charge – you’re a vice president or a group manager or a partner; you’re not planning on going anywhere for awhile. Though I wasn’t one of the people in charge, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, either.
But then I got laid off. And right now, I just don’t think that we can be friends.
Don’t misunderstand me – I’m 99 percent certain that my layoff had nothing at all to do with you. I’m not blaming you for my current joblessness. There are no hard feelings toward you about that at all. But I need to distance myself from you, at least until I’m back on my feet again. Maybe longer.
You may not realize just how devastating it is to lose your job – I know I didn’t, until this happened to me. I’d been through several layoffs before, but I was always on the “safe” side. I was the one who returned from lunch to see the empty cubicle, who stood idly by feeling terrible as a soon-to-be-ex-colleague tried to pack up his box and get out of the office without too many stares. After a few days, I’d get back into the groove of the job, feeling lucky for still having one.
This time, I wasn’t so lucky. And it hurt. A lot. I discovered that it doesn’t matter whether you love your job, hate your job, or are just putting in time. Abruptly losing it means a lot more than just losing your income. You lose your schedule. You even lose your identity. You can become incredibly depressed over no longer having a job that you sometimes weren’t even sure you liked when you had it. And no matter how hard you wish it weren’t so, you lose the relationships that you had with the people who still work there.
If we used to work together, and now we don’t, even if it wasn’t your fault, I need you to understand. Please don’t be offended if I defriend you on Facebook or if I send a short response to the chipper “Just thought I’d see how you were doing” messages you send me through LinkedIn.
Sometimes you’re just trying to be encouraging, but the truth is, I feel burned by the company where you still work. I feel vulnerable. I’d rather not share too much about what I’m doing now.
Maybe we don’t talk about work at all, but your status pops up on my Facebook home page, and I can’t tell you how it makes me feel to see you chatting about the company softball game or, worse, complaining about how much work you have right now. It makes me feel like I went through a tremendously bad breakup, and even though I’m not yet over it, I have to hear from you about how my former partner is happily moving on with someone new.
So, former colleagues, it’s really not you. It’s me. I liked working with you. I enjoyed talking to you. I might even miss you. But you know how it is with a breakup – sometimes we just need some time apart in order to heal.
I don’t hate you. But I can’t really hang out with you right now, either.
No tags for this post.
Gioia Albi said:
Apr 30, 09 at 3:58 pmAmen! I couldn’t have put this better myself. Thanks for having the guts to say and do what I haven’t.
Bill Prickett said:
Apr 30, 09 at 4:12 pmWhat an amazing insight. The message was so clear, without sounding bitter or harsh. As one who’s currently going through similar experiences, I was touched. Thanks so much for sharing!
The Preppy Princess said:
Apr 30, 09 at 4:24 pmYou really hit this one spot-on, thank you for putting it so well.
tp
SagePage said:
Apr 30, 09 at 4:28 pmThese are exactly the words I was never able to find. Very keen insights and spot on. Thanks for the post.
BigDaddyCool said:
Apr 30, 09 at 6:32 pmWell said, and very clever too. Losing a job is kind of like losing a relationship or even - dare I say it - being dumped.
DWF said:
Apr 30, 09 at 7:03 pmAw, thanks guys. I’m glad it resonated with you.
Tina said:
May 01, 09 at 5:52 amWell done!
islander said:
May 01, 09 at 11:24 amThis echoes thru the soul. I still keep my ex co-workers in my Facebook, but it does feel weird wading thru their chatter about all the stuff I used to do a share with them, and now don’t.
Nerdydoll said:
May 01, 09 at 12:30 pmThis definitely hits the nail on the head. I’ve also had issues with friends constantly calling me to see how my job search is going. They have jobs and I sometimes don’t feel like expressing my frustration to them.
PW said:
May 01, 09 at 7:37 pmHi FFN and DWF, well written and oh how I can identify with everything. For at least two previous employers, I still can’t pass by their offices without feeling very bittersweet and melancholy about my time there and the “friendships” that suddenly disappeared when my time was over. And yes, some of the anger is still there.
Karol said:
May 02, 09 at 4:20 pmExactly how so many of us feel but never said them aloud. sometimes we miss the friendships we have made but still feelunpleasant or resentful of the company that laid us off. How else are we to feel, when we have done a job for so long? It isn’t our collegues we are bitter about but the fact that the company chose to let us go, many without warning. couldn’t have said it better.
Rhonda Mitchell said:
May 04, 09 at 10:31 pmWhat a great post! Exactly how I felt toward some of my co-workers after being laid off, but you stated it so elegantly. Brava!
Pam B said:
May 06, 09 at 10:22 amYou know, while you’re healing from what really does feel like a break up, you should do some art therapy with your old business cards: http://betweenjobstheblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/what-to-do-with-old-business-cards.html
Laughing helps!
Tweetypielori said:
May 10, 09 at 12:31 amI was laid off 6 weeks ago and the pain I feel at 52 years old is gut wrenching to say the least. There are times I can’t sleep. I know I am alone with no one to help me in this situation. I know in my heart that it was something personal between my supervisor and hers. They were both very cruel and mean woman. To say the least after 9 long years I do hope that what goes around comes around and grasps at them the way this has grasped at me. I may lose everything in my life, my condo, the small 401K left after losing almost all of it. But I can say with integrity, dignity that I was a wonderful employee giving 100%. Staying to to the wee hours when business was booming. Always making sure I was in fifteen minutes early and always staying late. Running out for sub sandwhich’s for the one who slashed my wrists. And the comment she made loud and clear the nite before she laid me off was “I HAVE JOB SECURITY”. THE CUSTOMER WANTS ME 24/7, I GUESS I DONT’ HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING LAID OFF”. So there I was with a lizard of a man who I barely knew he was some manager who just threw a box at me. He never knew me nor knew anthing about me. He walked me to my car and collected my badge. My 9 years were over in a minute. I agree that there are very few people within that organization that I would like to remember me, and whom I would like to remember. Yes, I already deleted several on my face book.
Thank you for making it clear to me, that this is serious when we find ourselves between a rock and a hardplace. To the ones that survived, who are late every day because you stop to get your latte in the morning and no one says anything to you, pray that this doesn’t happen to you.
Investory said:
Jun 15, 09 at 4:10 amI am in a similar situation now - I am unemployed. But I still have very friendly relationships with my ex-boss and most of my ex-colleagues. I do understand that nobody guilty in the situation except the finance crisis. Moreover I know that I will have very good recommendations from the people in case of necessity. It’s life. It’s a short black period and very soon a good and long period coming.
Ghost said:
Jun 24, 09 at 9:26 pmI find myself having to agree with this post I never saw it coming and I got stabbed in the back by my boss who looked me in the face and lied to me and a couple of days later walked me out the door and handed me my last check. Now I am struggling like many of the readers to survive and he had the nerve to want to be friends and he is the one who set me up to cover his failed project. Thats why I find myself deleting all of my contacts as well. Good luck to everyone looking for a new job and a new beginning.
Lola said:
Jul 08, 09 at 7:14 pmThank you for sharing this! I feel and have felt everything you have written. The worst part was one when my ex-boss, the person who gave me the pink slip, called me and asked how I was doing? @E&@&$)#@&%){%#&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Acrylic Nail Supplies said:
Aug 18, 09 at 2:12 pmBeing in the group of the “laid off”
I totally agree, sometimes it is good to burn your bridges.
The bigger the company, the less caring for employees.
Buy UGG Boots said:
Oct 31, 09 at 10:09 pmWhat an amazing insight. The message was so clear, without sounding bitter or harsh. As one who’s currently going through similar experiences, I was touched. Thanks so much for sharing!
Jody LP said:
Nov 26, 09 at 7:49 amWell, whoever DWF is I think she makes a valid point. Are think there are many reasons for not wanting to be too friendly with your work colleagues, and particularly those in positions of ‘power’ above you. I took a job working for a very small company (initially just 4 directors and me). I knew and was friends with some of the directors from previous employment together. At the start it was great, but as they grew and made the company more profitable they were more and more reluctant to let me know what was going on and it became a very awkward place to be.
sstarkey said:
Dec 07, 09 at 9:56 pmThank you so much for the post. This is so accurate on how I feel. There are many relationships that I lost, and ones that I am reluctant to leave behind. At the same time, I can’t bring myself to talk to them either. I’m not sure if anyone can really understand what it’s like unless you go through it. It is just as you said, you lose your sense of identity. The time with at home and with my family is bittersweet because I really have no obligations and nothing to go back to. Work is a lifeline that suddenly gets cut. I’m still not sure about how to cope with that.
zygor guide said:
Dec 19, 09 at 1:27 amI discovered that it doesn’t matter whether you love your job, hate your job, or are just putting in time.
Hello kitty said:
Dec 25, 09 at 12:12 amIf we used to work together, and now we don’t, even if it wasn’t your fault, I need you to understand.
Всеволод Рыбин said:
Dec 27, 09 at 4:12 pmЧитал об этом в Википедии. Вообще конечно жизненная тема.
zygor guide review said:
Jan 12, 10 at 6:34 amI have to dissagree with “zygor guide” if you don’t love your job you don’t love your life.
LJ said:
Jan 22, 10 at 9:54 amThis was a great post! I just lost my job a week and a half ago and still debate whether or not to remove the facebook friends or linked in contacts of those I used to work for/with. On the one hand I don’t want to burn bridges, on the other hand it may be better for making a fresh start. The thing is this is my third layoff in the last 5 years so at least I’m familiar with the process, I know how to pick myself back up again. It doesn’t make it less painful though - definitely devastating is that initial shock. The good news is I’ve decided I’m giving myself 3 months to work the entrepreneur route. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll hit the job boards, but for now I want to try it out. When my 23-year old cousin just passed away a couple weeks ago, I realized just how short life really is. Our only regrets in life are the risks we do not take, no? What have I got to lose?
CrystalQ said:
Feb 21, 10 at 7:05 pmThat’s what I love about the internet, you never have to reply! LOL. Seriously, if you do a job and get it done right you just don’t reply. If the person becomes a stalker, then, well, um…
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ClubPenguinCheats said:
Mar 16, 10 at 1:25 amWhat an amazing insight. The message was so clear, without sounding bitter or harsh. As one who’s currently going through similar experiences, I was touched.
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May 02, 10 at 9:36 pman amazing insight. The message was so clear, without sounding bitter or harsh. As one who’s currently going through similar experiences, I was touched. Thanks so much for sharing!
Kiel said:
Jul 31, 10 at 3:19 pmHonestly, I was able to experienced this style from one of my clients before. He thinks we’re that close after one or two business dealings then when the third project came out, he actually asking for a discount for my work no matter how tedious it was.
Janine said:
Aug 02, 10 at 12:33 amYou need to meet the requirements of your client. It’s the only adjustment you need to do, as far as I’m concern. More than that, you can decide whatever condition will apply regarding your work.
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