Foreclosing on myself
Tags: depression, downsize, downsizing, foreclosure, laid off, recession, unemployed
It is such an enormous decision that I’ve been coming to it slowly. But I realize now I can’t avoid making it. I’m going to sell my house. Of course, I’m lucky to own a house. Well, me and the bank. And that’s the problem.
I moved into this house when I was pregnant with my first child. This past fall, my third and youngest began university. With that much time passing, you’d think I’d be in pretty good financial shape vis a vis housing. After all, that’s a lot of years to pay down a mortgage. However, my personal situation hasn’t exactly been conducive to financial health.
You see, I’ve bought my house three times over. Yup, three times. The exact same house. Two divorces will do that.
At a time when so much else was changing in their lives, I was determined to keep my kids in the house they called home, determined to keep them in the place they lived and played and went to bed and read stories and had their birthday parties and their friends sleep over and ate pizza bagels and drank smoothies, determined to keep them surrounded by the neighborhood where their friends and school and familiar parks were. My own dream of family may not have worked out, but I was determined not to give up on theirs.
I was so determined to do all that that I mortgaged myself up the wazoo. (As my house appreciated, I needed to re-mortgage to pay my ex’s the value of the home at the time of separation.)
Now my wazoo hurts. An economic collapse and layoff will do that.
I love my house. It’s not huge, but a nice size for a semi-detached Victorian home built at the turn of the century –- the turn of the 20th century. It’s totally comfortable in a modest, closely-packed urban way. It’s undergone a renovation, so would be unrecognizable to the developer who built it almost a hundred years ago. And now it’s a little worse for wear having survived my kids as teenagers along with their friends, parties and band members. It’s urban living, so it’s completely unlike the pictures of rambling suburban homes I’ve guiltily coveted on TV or in magazines at times. You know, the ones with huge rooms and tons of square footage and closet space to die for. Except that I like the city and hate commutes.
Still, this narrow 19-foot-frontage home has 4 bedrooms, and that’s now a lot of unused space. Like a whole second floor. The open-concept master bedroom on the third floor (geez, I hate that term ‘master bedroom’) would have been just an attic in its original incarnation. So now, I’m essentially living on a first and third floor with a flight of stairs connecting the two.
How can I possibly justify holding on to this any longer with a substantial mortgage and an uncertain employment future?
Leaving feels like a failure, economic meltdown or not. I can’t help but compare myself to others who have paid down mortgages and have a lot more to show for their time in the housing market. I know this feeling of failure also has a lot to do with buying into a belief system – the belief that things are supposed to get easier and more prosperous for us as we get older. But it’s not exactly feeling that way.
I’m also discouraged by the next stage. I’ve spent one afternoon with a an agent looking at some current trade-down choices on the market. You’d think I could simply subtract the space I don’t need and get a smaller house in the same neighbourhood for the price range I’m looking in. But nope, it doesn’t work that way. If location is everything in real estate, I’m certainly going to be giving up a lot of something. And a lot of what I saw was depressing.
I’m considering a condo or loft, and while there’s something appealing about their squeaky-clean newness after living with the neediness of an antique, they’re also discouraging. That’s because I have a dog, a big, wonderful 10-year-old lab. It’s hard to imagine the confines of condo living, smack on a city street, and doing without the convenience of a backyard.
I know full well how spoiled I may sound. I’m talking about making compromises that thousands would be happy to have the choice to make. I think of the woman who spoke to President Obama at the town hall meeting in Ft. Meyers, Florida, the one near the end who described how she and her kids are living out of a car, and I instantly turn into a ball of guilt.
But I’ve only lived in my own life, in my own circumstances. My compromises are my compromises. They’re real to me.
I know the economy has precipitated all of this. If I had secure employment, if I wasn’t uncertain about what the next year would bring, or the next month, my decision-making may be different. I would feel less cornered, I would look at waiting and selling in a better market. I would feel more in control of my choices, rather than backed into a corner. Now I’m feel like I’m living my own version of foreclosure. It’s just that I’m foreclosing on myself before any creditor can.
It makes me sad and heartsick. I feel it’s really hard walking away from a place I’ve called home for more than 20 years. The place I raised my kids, the place they still fall in at various times, the place my daughter will return to after her current semester (until it’s sold), the place that feels like a part of me and them.
Transition is hard. Change is hard. Loss is hard. It’s manageable but hard.
And all this because of a group of capitalists who saw the free-market as their private toy. But it wasn’t a toy. It was my life. Damn you all.
Tags: depression, downsize, downsizing, foreclosure, laid off, recession, unemployed
Tina said:
Feb 18, 09 at 7:34 amWhat a heart breaking and difficult decision. I know so many neighbors just in a one block radius contemplating the same exact thing. We’ve jested (bitterly) about just all moving into one house together. I’m actually considering renting out a room to help cover the mortgage payments.
What insane times these are. I took my own advise yesterday and went and purchased Kit Kitteredge at Walmart (on sale for $13) just for a shot of inspiration during these tough times.
As you reminded me…remember to breathe. I wish there was more I could say to help you as this feels entirely inadequate.
Damn them.
PW said:
Feb 18, 09 at 10:10 amHi “fired”, great… you made me cry. I had a feeling a little ways back in one of your postings that you were likely to consider the option you’ve undertaken so let me layout some alternate possibilities for you to consider. First, have you consider taking on a boarder or two or even renting out the entire house? University students, out of town workers. My buddy is paying $1000/month in a shared living arrangement for a condo in downtown Toronto. His real home is north of Barrie but his work is downtown. You could rent an apartment or move-in with a girlfriend. Two - would you consider taking a “survival job” or a couple of “survival jobs”, I would. It would mean some very serious swallowing of pride because my references would need to know but I’ve been through worse. Three, I saw a posting today for an Account Director position at MacLaren McCann Canada in Toronto, http://www.workopolis.com/EN/job/10635096 - would that work? If you contact me, I’ll give you the names and telephone numbers of some good recruiters in Toronto. But you have to promise, on your heart of hearts, to keep the dog. You did the right thing by staying in your house, through all the marriages, the “ups” and “downs”, to provide stability and a centered universe for you kids. It’s what I strongly suggested to a friend of mine whose marriage ended last summer. The ball’s yours.
PW said:
Feb 18, 09 at 11:09 amHi “fired” - I’ve thought of another couple of ideas. Would you consider looking into a teaching gig at say George Brown, Seneca, Ryerson, Art Institute of Toronto, evening or adult education classes through the public system or any other of the local private colleges or vocational institutions that have advertising or marketing curriculums? You have relevant and current knowledge and deep experience. And you probably project well too. Also check out the non-profit sector at Charity Village http://www.charityvillage.com/applicant/jobs.asp?fn=searchform . I’ll keep thinking as long as you do too.
fired said:
Feb 18, 09 at 11:21 amHey PW, thanks for the kind shoulder. Yeah, I’ve thought of some of those housing options but the idea of sharing my bathroom with a stranger is a bit creepy — and that’s what it would have to be given the layout of the house. My concern with renting the whole house to university students is the place getting a bit trashed. But maybe I should consider it a bit more. As far as swallowing my pride…I’m prepared. I still need to see where this contract gig goes, if it continues or not and that’s still an unknown. And re MacLaren: I’m on the creative side of the biz not the account side, so it wouldn’t be an option. But again…thanks for your support
PW said:
Feb 18, 09 at 2:04 pmHi “fired”, I can understand your concern about university students and the sharing of the washroom with a “stranger”. My friend’s daughter is rooming with two other women in a house while they attend university and she’s definitely “okay”. Would any of your kids have friends in university that might be looking to rent a room? Obviously you would interview prospective candidates. Or you could see if you couldn’t rent the whole house out to a family. Of course this means that you’d end up living somewhere else but at least they’d be paying your mortgage and a bit more. Thanks for your note to my account. I sent one back.
Soupy7 said:
Feb 19, 09 at 8:50 amDear Fired, As I read your story (for about the third time) on paying your mortgage (or the fear of not being able to pay it) I am struck on what a vivid picture you paint with words. Today may be a challenge to you - at least it may look gloomy at this moment - but there is no doubt in my mind you will succeed.
Having faced many challenges over the years - far worse than paying my mortgage (which, by the way, is still a challenge until I find another job) - you have grabbed the bull by the horns and are moving forward. No matter what your final decision may be, to change where you are, it takes movement. And movement starts with the mental aspect first, then followed by action.
I plan to follow your articles towards your new success. You have already shown that side of you, based on the direction your three children have taken.
“Attitude is Everything!
BigDaddyCool said:
Feb 19, 09 at 11:21 amHey fired,
I can commiserate with what you’re going through right now because I’ve been there myself.
When I still had a job my wife and I decided to take out a loan on our house so that we could pay off some debt and get a better interest rate. I knew it was a risk and I felt uneasy about it since we owned the house free and clear and I had made a deathbed promise to my mother that we would never mortgage the place. You see it happened to be the house my Grandfather build after coming home from World War II, and it was also the house that I practically grew up in.
But I also knew that lower monthly payments would make things easier for us so we went ahead and signed the papers. Not two weeks went by when I was told I was being laid-off. Great timing, huh? Anyway I hit the ground running in anticipation that I would soon be back at work. I found to my horror that even though there were jobs out there the competition was fiercer than I imagined. I went to any interview I could get, some went well, some didn’t. In the end I got no job offers and a lot of scorn from one family member who accused me of not trying hard enough.
In the end we also made the decision to get out and move to another state so that I could look for work elsewhere. It was the hardest decision that I’ve ever had to make in my life, and it nearly broke my heart. I wanted to raise my own kids in that house, but I had to gradually accept that it was not meant to be.
As a result we ended up in a house that we adore in a part of the country that we love. After we had been here a while we looked at each other and went “why didn’t we do this years ago?” We realized that the life we left behind was so taxing on us spiritually and physically that we didn’t think there was anything else or that we deserved anything else. Boy were we wrong.
It’s six years later and we find ourselves in a hole again, but this time we don’t see the worst happening. We don’t see ourselves going anywhere, we see ourselves staying where we are having paid off what we owe now. We try to awake with this feeling everyday, grateful for where we are and what we have.
I know it’s tough, I know it’s scary, I know it feels like you’ve failed. Trust me I had to deal with that same feeling the entire time we were packing our house. I felt like I had given up and that I let everyone down. But then I came to realize that I hadn’t let anyone down. I came to the conclusion that since I had been in that house for so long that I was pretty much stagnating, that it was time for me to leave my nest and go out into the world and make new memories for myself and a new life.
And in these last six years I have made a new life that is my own.
With your desicion you’ve given yourself that same opportunity. Think of this not as an end, but a chance for a new beginning. A new chapter, if you will, of your life. Like Soupy7 said you are moving forward, and that’s a good thing.
Tina said:
Feb 19, 09 at 11:33 amAnother stark reality: I need to make a copy of my will to give to my parents today (they’re updating theirs…the lawyer needs mine). I wrote that will back in 1999 after my divorce and I’ve never looked at it since. How shocked I was to see that just 10 years later I’ve all ready had to sell the few things of true value that I was bequething to my children?! Ah well. Breathe. This too shall pass. It did make me realize that I really need to update my will!
fired said:
Feb 19, 09 at 1:45 pmThanks Soupy — thanks for your support. I’m working on the attitude day by day! :-
fired said:
Feb 19, 09 at 1:46 pmBDC — thank you so much for your story. It’s really reassuring hearing the perspective from someone who’s been through a similar journey — facing change reluctantly only to discover the welcome surprises it held. I’m going to really take heart from this.
fired said:
Feb 19, 09 at 1:47 pmAs someone facing downsizing Tina, I keep telling myself that minimalism is the new max. )-
PW said:
Feb 19, 09 at 6:23 pmHi “Fired”, was the yahoo post of any help?
Dtrain said:
Feb 19, 09 at 8:39 pmHard as it may be, it sounds like you are making this decision for the right reasons, and it is one you are probably better off making sooner rather than later (whether or not that’s of as any consolation). Looking at the latest job numbers, it’s clear that things will not be turning around anytime soon in the job market, and all we can really hope for is to build a sturdy lifeboat and hope it lasts the storm, which, g-d knows, has not yet begun.
Erik said:
Feb 20, 09 at 9:21 amBeautifully written and tragically sad. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Here’s to better times ahead.
Nancy said:
Feb 20, 09 at 11:57 amI think moving forward is good! Brilliant, but so tough. I am a small internet business owner with about a tenth of the sales each month compared to last year. Although my husband is employed, he lost his bonus. The loss of those two sources of income mean we can no longer afford our home. Actually, it means we can no longer afford to live in the northeast US where his job is located. What to do? We have decided since everything will be under snow for three more months, we will prepare the house and be ready to sell in the spring. If the house sells, we will take a 2 week vacation, drive south and see if we can find jobs there. (Can’t send out resumes because he doesn’t want to be found out and let go.) Although this sounds so naive and silly, after hitting the retirement fund for huge amounts twice in the past year, we don’t have much of a choice. Yes, we are fortunate he has a job, but it just doesn’t cover the BASIC expenses in the area we live. And, although I wasn’t called in and fired, my income is virtually gone and feels just as bad as if I was let go. So, I say make a plan, go with it until it doesn’t work, and then regroup. We feel better taking charge of our future even if it isn’t the one we thought we would be living right now.
fired said:
Feb 20, 09 at 1:34 pmNancy — thank you for your support. It helps to know there are a lot of us facing difficult decisions but surviving, and perhaps thriving, in the end. I hope your southern journey opens up another stop on life’s adventure.
fired said:
Feb 20, 09 at 1:35 pmThanks Erik. And hey — make sure to court Canadian agencies too for PFTA :-
fired said:
Feb 20, 09 at 1:36 pmD-train — here’s to sturdy lifeboats and the ability to plug a leak fast :-
PW said:
Feb 22, 09 at 6:59 pmAre you still pressing ahead or are you considering a “Plan B” that involves keeping the house for now?
fired said:
Feb 23, 09 at 8:12 amI’m considering Plan A and Plan B right now, with Plan A to sell & move, Plan B to rent a room in my basement. Because it’s not a self-contained room, it means sharing my kitchen and opening up access of my home to a ‘renter’. But it does have a private bath, so it’s a plausible option. Both options represent a different set of compromises, so I’m trying to weigh them against each other. In the meantime, I’m proceeding with the first step of cosmetic touching-up which has to be done for either plan. Step by step :- And thanks for checking in. Any support accepted!
PW said:
Feb 23, 09 at 10:19 amThank you. I really appreciate the update and your candor. It’s a tough choice either way and I’m not sure whether “Plan A” is better than “Plan B” or the other way around. It’s a buyers’ market and selling a house partly because of our employment situation renders a difficult decision much more so because of the emotional aspects that pushed us to this point. As a suggestion, ask some of your closer friends and colleagues to let you know if they have friends who might be looking to rent a room. Better to try to get a “referral” from someone you know. I am facing a similar dilemma, should I apply for “survival job #1″ that pays more or possibly take “survival job #2″ (if offered) that pays less but offers a greater degree of anonymity and less chance of discovery?
Karol Frame said:
Mar 03, 09 at 4:34 pmIt isn’t the material things in life that count. your home is where your heart is. I know the difficulties of moving, especially when you thought that you wouldn’t ever have to. But it could be the best thing for you. Everyday, I have had to struggle with emotions but I refuse to let my own crisis and the fears I have get me down. I am stronger for it and a better person. I know there is nothing like family, and if I should lose everything, I still have them. If you have friends or family, good ones who are willing to give you a break and some support just until you are back on your feet, go to them. It isn’t easy to swollow pride and address the issue but they will have a better understanding and sometimes, they can help more than you think, even if it is emotional. Good luck with everything. I wish you the best.
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Marx Toys said:
May 31, 09 at 10:58 amAfter reading this post I can’t feel anything but anger towards the politicians that allowed our country to fall into an economic pit. I would argue that it is better to bailout home owners then to bailout large corporations that ship jobs overseas. What is best to preserve, the American dream or a company which makes decisions based on greed?
Good luck to you, and I hope you find at least some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your situation.
SEO Srilanka said:
Jun 10, 09 at 3:45 amWas there any chance to find a job in recession period ?
I think self employment is the best way.
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zygor guides said:
Dec 04, 09 at 1:24 amI like this sentence “Transition is hard. Change is hard. Loss is hard. It’s manageable but hard.”
hello kitty shop said:
Dec 08, 09 at 9:27 pmCheer up! man, I know you will be out of shadow soon!
Jack said:
Dec 17, 09 at 11:44 amYou are very brave to share you story with everyone. It makes me feel so much knowing that the situation I am now going through is not that much different from others. Makes me feel that I am not alone. All we can do is keep trying to move forward I guess.
forex tips said:
Dec 19, 09 at 7:41 amI like this sentence “Transition is hard. Change is hard. Loss is hard. It’s manageable but hard.”
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Fatburningfurnace review said:
Dec 22, 09 at 6:58 pmLeaving feels like a failure, economic meltdown or not. I can’t help but compare myself to others who have paid down mortgages and have a lot more to show for their time in the housing market. Me too!
finance advice said:
Feb 10, 10 at 1:38 amIn the grand scheme of things it isn’t a failure as you were paying off your house whilst raising three kids and went through a divorce which is never a good thing to go through, especially when the house is involved as you had to pay your ex-husband off to claim the house and mortgage for yourself. I don’t blame you not wanting to live in a small flat, especially with your dog as he would go crazy somewhere like that but in the end you got to find somewhere that you can live and be bit more finally secure.
Andrea Jacks said:
Jun 17, 10 at 5:36 amYou have really described your house very well. We never want our house with all those wonderful memories to sell unless and until there is something big to face like this Recession. God stop these layoffs.
TOp Gear Rules said:
Jul 03, 10 at 8:00 pmnice share…
keep posting