Beyond Compare: How I stopped comparing myself to others and began feeling happy right where I was
Tags: economy, keeping up with the joneses, laid off, unemployed
The idea of keeping up with the Joneses goes back long before the comic strip of the same name that popularized the phrase back in 1913. Comparing ourselves to others is a core part of forming our self-image.
And I can tell you one thing. I’m finished with it. Or, I hope, well on my way.
For a very long time I bought into several middle-class benchmarks that were supposed to validate where I am in my life.
Things like career. Home-ownership. Salary. Position. Savings. Investments. Possessions.
These are the symbols of success we’ve collectively accepted. Failure to methodically knock these down, one by one like pins in a bowling alley, can make us feel like…well…a failure.
Now for me, one by one, all those things have been put into question. A lot of things have changed.
According to these symbols, I’m not where I should be at my age and stage of life. My life hasn’t been a straight uninterrupted line.
I didn’t get married and stay married. I didn’t climb the ladder in the same job, or even same career, for years and years. I even quit my ideal career-boosting job at a national network to freelance when my kids were babies - and I had to start over, actually switching careers from journalism to advertising, when my kids were older.
I’ve carried a mortgage on a house way longer than would be expected. I refinanced twice to pay out ex’s in order to give my kids the security of their home following the disruption of divorce.
My savings aren’t sizable – I made choices many others wouldn’t have regarding money. I spent a lot sending my kids to an alternative primary school which left me living paycheck to paycheck rather than putting money into savings. And of course, what investments I did have tanked after last September.
And in my second career, I moved around more than I would have liked due to a variety of circumstances, many of them beyond my control.
So my life didn’t follow the Leave-it-to-Beaver American (or Canadian) Dream. I used to have a lot of shame about all of this. Where I was in my life didn’t follow the embedded cultural blueprint. I carried a sense of ‘not-good-enough’ and ‘if only’. But according to what standard?
I have friends with more wealth and have lived more stable lives. I have colleagues who have moved up to more senior positions and have kept them, with salaries that climbed steadily. Surrounded by others at social or work events, I’d often get the sense everyone else had followed the rules and knew the board game so much better than me.
This year, I’m throwing the rule book out and realize I get to define success differently. And stop comparing.
Four years ago I was an associate creative director at the local office of a large global advertising agency. One year ago, I was a creative director at a small agency. While on vacation, I received an email notifying me the agency was closing. (That’ll teach me for checking email on vacation!)
This month I’ve accepted a job as a senior writer, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in this business. My new agency focuses on cause-marketing and our clients consist of non-profits, charities, foundations and governments. I’m not responsible for management issues, or growing a company, or direct reports. I’m focusing on ideas, and writing, and meaningful issues.
Of course there’s a price, literally. A year ago I made enough money to pay my large mortgage payment, send my kids to university and live reasonably.
Today I make much less and I’ve cut back on a lot. I am currently preparing my house in order to sell it; or I’m going to take in a renter. I haven’t come to a final decision yet.
I’m content with the trade-off. A year ago I couldn’t have imagined this and I would have felt inadequate to be facing these choices. But now, I feel no shame around these issues. That’s because I’m losing my susceptibility to being judged on them.
I’ve realized that comparing myself to others is toxic. I’ve realized the sense of ‘should’ is toxic. The script of “I should be somewhere other than I am” is toxic thinking. And something that’s unsaid in all of this is the often-mistaken beliefs about others.
I have a sister who by all external measures has achieved The Good Life. She and her husband have three homes; a small city home, a cottage on a lake and a condo in Mexico. She and her husband have a good deal of flexibility in their work life, and they have worked hard. But without going into details, I would not want her life. I would choose mine, over hers, without blinking an eye.
Which brings me to the harshest judge of all. Ourselves. Myself.
The judger inside is often far harsher than those outside. I’m working hard on quieting that judge. Working hard on accepting myself exactly where I am. Working on not comparing myself to the false standards I internalized from years of living in a culture that celebrated wealth and professional success.
The cover story of this week’s Time Magazine, beautifully written by Kurt Anderson, is titled, “The End of Excess: Is This Crisis Good for America?” It has been for me.
Tags: economy, keeping up with the joneses, laid off, unemployed
John Donahue said:
Mar 29, 09 at 10:10 amReally great article. I am currently unemployed and I am a pastor by trade, so I struggle with following God, being content, and trying to figure out why I can’t find a job. I really appreciate the fact that you have quit trying to keep up and are working through everything to a true sense of fulfillment.
More people need to read this, and even more need to heed the advice…
Thank you!
Karen Demerly said:
Mar 29, 09 at 10:10 amI think what Andrea said about losing a job and finding happiness on a previous post of yours says it all:
“That happiness is rooted in two very important concepts. One, my work is finally aligned with my values, with what is really important to me. And the second concept is the one that has perhaps made a bigger difference: I realize that I can define myself in terms of what I love, not just in terms of what work I do.”
http://www.firedfornow.com/uncategorized/losing-a-job-and-finding-happiness/
I think the choices you (and I, too) have made were for people and things we loved, and therefore can’t have been wrong. We don’t have the homes, cars, and bank accounts to show for it, but we have the love and peace of mind (when we calm ourselves and think about it) to show for it.
Comparisons are indeed toxic. And while there’s plenty that sucks about losing a job, there is that good part you speak of here - finding out what you’re made of, and what matters, and maybe at last being okay with that.
Karol said:
Mar 29, 09 at 11:34 amOn previous posts, I wrote have never kept up with the Jones.
There were people who considered me one of the Jones, the ones they tried to keep up with, envied, and looked at with awe.I have to laugh at the unedification of them.For now, I am unemployed, laid-off and it took going through this crisis in my life, to truely appreciate the things I had over looked or took for granted. I have changed my outlook, my attitude and I like myself better. I have become more humble, and can appreciate my family and friends more, including the man holding the sign on the corner looking for work or food. I have downsized, and I like the simple, get back to basics way of life I have now. Even though it was not first welcomed or wanted, I am glad I have gone through this unemployment encampment. I have learned several valuable lessons, self-transformation and general wake-up call as to who I was becoming. I was bitter and unhappy. Now, I can at least wake up and feel like my old self before I became too big for my britches and give thanks for everything I have, which isn’t much materialistically anymore but far better in wealth because I can appreciate my children, my husband and my life more than ever. I don’t need riches in financing to make me who I am or give me status. I am who I am because I can make the choice to be a better person, not thinking more of material items to smiles of my children or time with them that I had overlooked working many hours for the O’ mighty dollar. I can at least breathe easier from the day to day stresses and be home with family, and actually enjoy their company compared to the pressures of customers and business affairs, paper pushing chaos when I was working. I have come full circle, believing in myself, being more confident, happier, and I am the person I have always wanted to be, will continue to be. I had always put others before myself and at work, it was worse. Now, I look at what I have and I wouldn’t trade my free-spirited, loving family for anything. I have taken back my life, my values, and what is important to me. I am blessed in so many ways. Hard times, sure but it no longer hinders or defines me. I am stronger, and more worthy than that. Both to myself and my family. Life is good because I make it that way. Money or not, materialistic things can be replaced; values and family, and time with them, can’t.
Danny Clayton said:
Mar 29, 09 at 1:32 pmWow, really, really, good writing and spot on. I found your blog via a Twitter follow and I suppose it resonates with me as I have been/went through some of the things you did. Your writing has a clarity and bounce to it that I enjoy.
Danny
sangman said:
Mar 29, 09 at 4:01 pmI am an unemployed and I could not read the article but my conclusion about the recession as a chance to know me better is like this :
crisis = x (T-t)
“x” depends on what someone decide to do with it for his own goodness and “(T-t)” is a short or long period of time that is planned to complete what one has been purposed.
Sorry as you know an unemployed has so many time… and so many stupid ideas.
ffn said:
Mar 30, 09 at 7:07 amKarol — beautifully said. You’ve not simply taken back your life, you’re sharing the best part of you with others.
Karol said:
Mar 31, 09 at 1:12 pmI have grown as a person and I have learned more than I thought I would. I could say that being older has changed me but it didn’t before this unemployment hit me smack in the forehead. ha. I like myself. I love my family and friends and everyday, I wake up with feelings of happiness and renewal. I am thankful for my experiences and learned a great deal about myself and life in general. It wasn’t easy to face who I was, and what I needed to change but I am glad I did. I would have missed out on a wonderful person. I can see where I have been, where I am and where I am going and it is wonderful! Have a great day, and smile. Tomorrow just might bring you back to old self, too.
Grace said:
Sep 20, 09 at 5:39 amI used to be in the same boat…well mostly, I still comapre sometimes, It’s human right?
Anyway, I used to do all that comparing stuff, and I realized that some of the stupidest errors I made in life was trying to keep up with the Joneses..Now I realize that life is more like Golf….you are really playing against yourself, and no one else… GL
Dementia said:
Oct 25, 09 at 1:48 pmYes, Yes.. work is salvation
Melina said:
Oct 25, 09 at 1:52 pm…repayment of the loan, and children enrolled in University .. really good job
Bowling Tips said:
Oct 27, 09 at 6:52 pmI completely agree with the post. It’s really an interesting and a truthful one. The moment you start comparing things with others around you loose happiness in what you have. True this is somewhat human nature that you are never satisfied with what you have which may even be a good thing because you always strive for more. but at times it’s just better to settle with hat you have and not compare yourself with anyone else.
Buy UGG Boots said:
Oct 31, 09 at 10:18 pmWow, really, really, good writing and spot on. I found your blog via a Twitter follow and I suppose it resonates with me as I have been/went through some of the things you did. Your writing has a clarity and bounce to it that I enjoy.
spartnac said:
Dec 02, 09 at 5:03 pmYou’re just another failure. Salary and career going down and you’re happy?? Perhaps you’re getting crazy already.
There is no such shit like loving or hating job, everything that counts is the paycheck! A HUGE paycheck! That is the purpose of life, because without it there is no holidays, kids in college or even food! FOOD!
I belong to one.
Life is worthless without freedom. And you call that shitty job a freedom? Let’s face it: what’s more intresting sitting and writing shit about nonprofits, or just running by the sea in the sunset and then relaxing in some good restaurant with a person you may not even love but what the heck, it’s not important, it’s just important that somebody’s around. And then the next morning you go to another place, watch birds or something. Or you’d like to sit 9 to 5 and sometimes even weekends.
“I love my job!” Bullshit. People invented that just to make up a reason to be happy with what they’ve already got. Just like you.
zygor guide review said:
Dec 25, 09 at 12:18 amFailure to methodically knock these down, one by one like pins in a bowling alley, can make us feel like…well…a failure.
Hello kitty said:
Dec 28, 09 at 1:12 amThank you for sharing you life experience!
Corinne T said:
Apr 14, 10 at 10:38 amExcellent.
Gall bladder said:
May 31, 10 at 12:28 pmYes, good job.
Jake said:
Jun 04, 10 at 6:55 pmLife is beautiful if we only focus on the good side of it. Let’s make sure that no matter what hardships we have right now won’t affect our goals in life. Since I’m in my early 20’s, I find it hard to stop comparing my life to others. Hopefully, to surpass it as I grow older.
TOp Gear Rules said:
Jul 03, 10 at 7:45 pmThanks for sharing
i like your story
Qbasic Forum said:
Jul 23, 10 at 5:33 pmThis is a great blog to redirect clients too. I think the basics are very important and sometimes it can be difficult to educate clients on the basics. Great reading and a useful tool. Thanks